Detroit Rock City (1998)

I saw this movie on DVD. It's about four cool dudes who try to go see the best band in the world KISS! Also the name of the movie is because the movie takes place in Detroit, which I guess is a great city for Rock and Roll Music. Anyway, the four cool dudes get into some serious hijinx that put their chances of seeing KISS in jeopardy. It's really crazy and we all have a lot of laughs. Not them though. The situation is really serious on their end. I liked this movie. Truly funny!

*****/*****

The Man With The Iron Fists (2012)

I saw this movie at the theaters. It's about a guy who gets his arms cut off by a crazy guy with long hair and a robot with human skin. The guy with no arms teams up with a guy whose name is Knife (LOL!) and they make him some new arms. He uses the new arms to fight. A lot of other people do fighting too. Most of them have knives and also a lot of people die. The guy with metal fists is super good at punching. I guess he was a cyborg? Either way, tough dude!

**/*****

Skyfall (2012)

I saw this movie at the theater. It was good but it was weird that James Bond fought the Joker. Also it's weird that Kevin McAllister Home Alones grew up to be James Bond. Also guns are weird. Why do they obey their masters when their masters only use them for evil? Come on, guns! Rise up! Take your lives back! I liked the part in this movie where James Bond was on a subway. What kind of spy takes the subway? Who's he spying on, the dude in the back that maybe peed himself? Spoiler Alert, James Bond: Yeah, he peed himself. Action Packed!

*****/*****

Titanic (1997)

I saw this movie on video. This movie is ok I guess. It's about a lot of dumb people riding on the Titanic. Don't those people know that boat sank? Anyway, if you can get past that stretch, it's about a rich girl and a poor guy that fall in love and fog up a car window. Missed opportunity: They could have played "Rich Girl" by Hall & Oates on the soundtrack the first time Kate Winslet appears. Anyway, almost everyone dies because just like the real Titanic, this one sank too. All those people could have avoided chilly deaths if they had just looked up that boat on www.altavista.com

**/*****

Flight (2012)

I saw this movie at the theater. Denzel is a pilot and he sure likes to drink. He flies a plane upside down! Everyone on the plane is scared but Denzel is not because good ol' Uncle Alcohol is cranking through his system. He makes the plane land regular and then everyone's like "Hey is Denzel an alcoholic?" and Denzel is all "No leave me alone I just want to listen to Joe Cocker all by myself" but everyone's like "I'm not sure I believe you you're holding six beers." One guy at the theater said "Oh No" really loud when Denzel took a drink. Instead of everyone telling that guy to shut up, they laughed, and he thought it was ok to do that and kept trying to say stuff throughout the rest of the movie. Also the dude in front of me did not shower. Possibly he hasn't ever showered. The end of this movie was ok but not great.

*****/*****

Wreck-It Ralph (2012)

I saw this movie at the theaters. This movie was crazy. Apparently video games are real??? Anyway this big guy wants to be nice to people but instead of changing his actions he goes to a different video game and befriends a little girl. I guess that's cool. The little guy who always has to clean up after the big guy goes looking for him and also the mean lady from Glee is there. I think this movie is pro-diabetes because there is a lot of candy and sugar and they act like that's no big deal. Sure, it's all adorable until someone loses a foot. Funny!

*****/*****

No Strings Attached (2011)

I saw this at the theaters. This is a smart comedy about a really dumb guy (Ashton Kutcher) dating up. Basically the dumb guy falls for a hot doctor who is way out of his league, and it just shows you that two people of different intelligences can have great chemistry. I liked that Ashton Kutcher played a dumb guy. Boy that guy's got some range! I also like the poster how they illustrate he is dumb by only having him put his pants on one leg. LOL! Like he's gonna be able to go outside like that! Truly humorous.

*/*****

The Art of Getting By (2011)

I saw this movie at theaters. It's about a bunch of kids that feel alienated, probably because they are the worst. If I was at these kids' high school I would go out of my way to make them feel small inside, mostly because of their actions. All of them are whiny but their problems are stupid. I spent the whole movie wishing an asteroid would hit these kids. That'll give them something to cry about. LOL! Even Ashton Kutcher couldn't save this movie, and he's the Greatest Actor Of All Time. OK soundtrack.

these kids are annoying/*****

I saw this movie on TNT. TNT claims to know drama, and if The Pelican Brief  is taken into account, they definitely do! This movie is about Julia Roberts and Denzel Washington trying to get to the bottom of a complicated case. Knock knock, who's there? It's the Dad from Home Alone! It's the Dad from Home Alone who? OH NO HE JUST GOT SHOT! THIS MOVIE IS RIDICULOUS! NO ONE IS SAFE FROM BULLETS OR CAR BOMBS OR ANYTHING!

*****/*****

Premium Rush (2012)

I saw this movie at a theater. It's a 90 minute thrill ride! It's about Wiley, the Coyoteman! He rides a bike around on the streets and doesn't get hit by a car but then he does. Corrupt Cop Barry Monday wants to stop him, but he's not fast enough. Look out, Wiley! I liked the bikes and also I liked how realistic it was. That's exactly what it would be like if you were a bike messenger carrying a mysterious envelope and a corrupt cop named Barry Monday was chasing you! My brother didn't like it that much but he probably didn't have his contacts in so who knows. I also liked that they kept showing what time it was on the movie screen. 

*****/*****

Frankenweenie (2012)

I saw this movie at a theater. There was a baby there. I think most of the movie went over his head. Maybe it was a her baby. I didn't check. That would have been weird. Anyway, this movie is about a dog who is dead but then he is alive because of electricity. Maybe I'm wrong here but that sounds a lot like Frankenstein, the book by Mary Shelley. Come to think of it, the dog's bolts coming out of the side of his neck are also like Frankenstein, the book by Mary Shelley. Hey! This movie is some sort of rip off or something! I don't know how my brother feels about it.

*****/*****

Saw (2004)

I saw this movie on DVD. This movie is hilarious!  This great horror-comedy is about two guys who are chained up in a bathroom and they're trying to figure out why. There is a phone and also a gun. And also, apparently a saw. Instead of using the saw to chop up the handcuffs one dude cuts off his foot. It's pretty ridiculous. Also there are weird scenes of elaborate traps set up for people that no one cares about. Pretty weird. Danny Glover is a cop but not the cop he played in Lethal Weapon. Spooky and funny!

*/*****

Jaws (1975)

I saw this at a theater. Pretty scary stuff. That shark really likes to eat people. Men, women, children, it's all the same for this mean jerk of a shark. Luckily, he doesn't eat (spoilers) The Dreyf (end spoilers). The Dreyf is a marine biologist and he goes into a cage at the end and it looks like he's gonna be eaten but then he isn't eaten. Oh yeah. Sorry that time I forgot to put spoiler tags around it. Too late now. Oh well. There were drunk people behind me that could not handle this shark. They're gonna need a bigger stomach I guess so they don't toss their cookies. Hahaha! I really am a pretty funny guy!

*****/*****

Beetlejuice (1988)

I saw this movie on DVD. Oh, also on video. This movie is about Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin and they die. Alec Baldwin looks like half the size of Alec Baldwin now. It's like two Beetlejuice Alec Baldwins teamed up to make 30 Rock Alec Baldwin. I kept having to double check to see if it was actually a different Baldwin brother, but nope. It's Alec all right. There's a part where they make their faces really scary. When I was little I almost peed on my pants but I didn't. Great calypso music.

*****/*****

Taken (2009)

I saw this movie at the theaters. Basically it's just Liam Neeson kicking and punching and shooting and exploding the people who took his daughter. It's a lot of people. I like to think of it as a sequel to Schindler's List, except a version where Schindler makes a list of people he wants to kid, punch, shoot, and explode, and then he does that to all those people. Hahaha I just imagined if Schindler's List was just Schindler fighting Nazis. He'd be like "Hey Nazis, I made a list. It's of people I want to fight. Guess who's on it? All of you guys!" And then he fights them all. Pretty great stuff. Anyway, this movie was really great.

**/*****

The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

I saw this movie at the theaters. It's about a group of people who go to a cabin in the woods. I had to pee twice during this the first time I saw it. I drank too much soda. That's always embarrassing when you sit in the middle of the theater and then you have to pass everyone not once or twice, but technically four times when you go to and from the bathroom. If I was the people sitting around me, I'd be pretty frustrated. Oh well. That's just soda I guess. Also the lady on the pre-show was way too perky considering she was talking about the crappy Nicolas Cage remake of Gone in 60 Seconds. Spooky stuff!

*****/*****

Donnie Darko (2001)

I saw this movie on cable and then on DVD later. It's about a guy who talks to a weird rabbit. The rabbit says weird stuff to him and also he makes friends with a girl who is ok. The rabbit doesn't look like a regular rabbit. He looks mean. The main guy never seems to think it's weird that he's talking to a giant rabbit. He acts like it's something we all do. News flash! We don't! I think he might have been crazy. There is also an old lady who checks her mailbox a lot. Old people do that a lot. They love to get mail. I guess that's ok because it's kind of all they have. I hope I die before I get old, because if all I had was receiving mail from my deadbeat family, that would be super depressing. Oh yeah. The rabbit burns down Sam from Ghost's  house or something like that. My brother thought this movie was okay.

*****/*****

Turner and Hooch (1989)

I think we're all on board with this being the greatest movie of all time. I saw this at home and also in the theaters, several times. Basically it's about Reginald VelJohnson's friend who is a police officer who has to team up with a dog to solve the murder of the dog's owner Otis. There are great scenes like where Hooch tries to eat the inside of the car, and also where Hooch destroys Tom Hanks's house. My brother thinks it's weird how much I like this movie but he is wrong because it is the best. Also in this movie is Coach, from the TV show Coach. He is ok I guess, but Hooch and Reginald VelJohnson are by far the best parts. Oh yeah, also Hooch drinks beer. 

*****/*****

The Tree of Life (2011)

I didn't understand this movie, so obviously it's really great.

*****/*****

The Butterfly Effect (2004)

I saw this movie at the theater. It's about Ashton Kutcher and he travels through time to change the present to make things ok for his friends. I think Ashton Kutcher would do that in real life, because I get a real "friends for life" vibe from him. He just seems like a really cool, relatable guy. The type of guy that you could go camping with or maybe just kick back with a Jones Soda and watch the Butterfly Effect or something. After the movie, there was some guy yelling into his cellphone in Russian. I think he was part of the Russian Mafia or something. Maybe he was going to go steal a car. This movie was ok.

**/*****

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011)

I saw this movie in theaters. It's a touching drama about a Canadian boy who can sing sort of and has a questionable haircut. At first his life seems great. He gets to hang out with Miley Cyrus and also that kid from  The Pursuit of Happyness. The deeper you get into it though, you realize he is being exploited for money by an adult-sized childman who insists on being called Scooter, even though he's clearly in his 30's. Also people are tricking him into thinking that things that are obnoxious are actually funny. Oh yeah, also the songs he sings are not good songs. Clearly this singing boy has some real obstacles ahead of him. During one of the songs he sings, everyone in the theater was moved nearly to tears and expressed that by waving their cellphones in the air. Well, I should say everyone except for one lady in the back who decided to take it on herself to be the fun police. Moving!

*****/*****

Yogi Bear (2010)

I saw this movie in Eye-Popping 3-D! This movie is about a two talking bears. Pretty cool, right? NOPE! These bears hang out at a people park and steal people's sandwiches and jet skis. Pretty scary stuff. Why show this to kids? I mean, look at the poster! Obviously the mustard is supposed to be blood, but they could never get away with that on a poster for a kids movie. Basically the bears make everything miserable for the park ranger, and the "villain" is a guy who wants to make the park into a mall that would police the obvious bear problem a little better. I don't know why we're supposed to cheer for the rangers, who are endangering kids and allowing food and jet skis to be destroyed by this big furry menace. My friend took a picture of the screen at one point and texted it to us and that was by far the best part of the movie experience. My brother didn't see it and called me mean names because I did go see it. I thought that was unfair, because hey talking bears seems like a cool idea until you see it in action. Two fifty-year-old men were also at the theater and I guess they were probably high on pot because they thought it was a fun distraction from their miserable lives.  Or maybe they were secret bears.

no stars/*****

The Last Airbender (2010)

I saw this movie in theaters in Eye-Popping 3-D! It is about a boy who is frozen for a long time and then when he wakes up, all the people he made macaroni pictures are for are dead. He thinks they are playing a hilarious prank on him, but nope! There are some people who can make the ground move around a lot, and then some who can make fire move a lot, and then some who can make the water move around a lot. The weird main kid who got a face tattoo can make the air move around a lot. At the end, the fire group and the water group both do their tricks and the kid makes a big wave come up and everyone is impressed. They defeat the villain by getting him very wet against his wishes. This is my brother's favorite movie. I don't know why the kid has a face tattoo, or who would even give a little boy who obviously isn't the brightest a face tattoo, so don't even ask.

*****/*****

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

I saw this movie at the theaters. It is about people who are sad and frown a lot for no reason. Well I guess some of them are sad because apparently they got "glitter bombed" in the mail and have had a very tricky time getting all the glitter off of them. For those of you not aware of what "glitter bombing" is, it's when you mail somebody a letter or package and fill the envelope or box with glitter so that way when they open it glitter gets all over them. Hahaha! Always hilarious! Anyway my friend and I were surprised at how pretty much nothing happened besides the glitter bombing that apparently happened before the movie started. Some people in robes showed up but I am not sure why. Also the brown skinned boy turns into a bear-wolf combo, which is cooler in theory than it is in execution apparently. My friend and I did not like it and neither did my brother, who did not go see it with us because his ex-girlfriend made him watch it. Hey ladies, why do you like these movies and also why is everyone so sad all the time?

*/*****

The Master (2012)

I saw this movie for my birthday. My brother was there and he thought it was pretty good. I didn't realize that this movie was from the past until about halfway through. It's about a guy who writes books and also a guy who has a serious problem with alcohol who meet on a boat and then bro it out for most of the movie. They ride motorcycles and exacerbate the one guy's alcoholism and also discover the very real differences between windows and walls. I don't remember the snack situation during this movie but I do remember eating pizza afterward. That was pretty good. Some of the people in the theater didn't enjoy the movie. I guess they're not big fans of friendship.

*****/*****

Prometheus (2012)

I saw this movie at the theaters. It's about a bunch of people and a weird robot with blond hair (weird, right?) that are in space looking for where people come from. Hey guys and girls and robot, ever hear of a stork, dummies? You could just go to a zoo and find out, and then most of you wouldn't (spoiler!) die! (end spoiler!) After the movie we decided to get some food, which was initially tricky because I am a pescetarian. Eventually we decided to eat at Rumbi Island Grill, which was right in front of us. I guess that just goes to prove that sometimes what's best for you is there the whole time. Action packed!

*****/*****

Cop and a Half (1993)

I saw this movie at the theater. Burt Reynolds is the cop, the little boy is the half. Half what? Well, one of the things I like best about the movie is it never quite answers that, and leaves it up to the viewer to decide. Is he half cat? Half chair? Who could ever know? It's different for all of us. Also the poster is a hilarious image. Hey Burt Reynolds! Those aren't glasses! Those are handcuffs! The half got you good! Hahahaha! This movie is full of great humor like that, and also some real serious action while Cop and the Half are chasing the villains. I was eating Red Vines, and I made a mess all over my shirt. My dad was mad at me and I had to change clothes when I went home. My brother doesn't remember how he feels about it, but he says he's sure it was great.

*****/*****

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (2011)

I saw this movie at the theater for free with my friend. It was really dumb. It is apparently about this dumb kid who likes to yell at Miss Congeniality 2 and also the old guy from Strange Brew. They live in a fictional version of New York City where no one kidnaps kids and no one questions what kind of parent lets their kid wander around the city all by himself. The movie tries to trick you into thinking the kid is smart, but if he's so smart, why is he on a New York subway alone at 3 in the morning????????? Also this movie takes that phrase "9/11 Never Forget" to a whole new level by having the guy from Turner & Hooch (not Reginald VelJohnson) remind us that it happened again and again every ten minutes. Some people were crying in the theater after it was over, probably because they could have watched War Horse or Turner & Hooch instead. I wish I had. I didn't even eat a snack, so it was a total disaster. I'm not sure if my brother saw it. I'll have to ask him.

no stars/*****

Paranormal Activity (2009)

I saw this movie a few years ago at the theater. It was midnight. My friend and I both enjoyed it. My brother was not with us. He saw it at a separate time with his now ex-girlfriend. They thought it was kind of dumb but they're wrong because ghosts are real. This movie was scary. A fat guy in my row ran for the door about 30 minutes before the end and did not come back, which was weird because the best parts hadn't happened yet but whatever. Shortly after that I went to pee because I didn't want to pee on myself when it got really scary and when I got to the door the guy had thrown up all over the hallway. Spooky!

*****/*****

Argo (2012)

I enjoyed watching it. It was better than my alternate plans for the evening (crying into a bowl of delicious butternut squash soup) so I am grateful for that. My brother also enjoyed it. A weird guy sat behind me. I guess he enjoyed the third Shrek film and also giving massages to the one person in the world who still has some quaaludes. Cool I guess.

*****/*****

Liberal Arts (2012)

I saw this movie after work. My friend came with me but not my brother. He thought it was mostly dumb with some OK parts and I agree. The candy he brought was as good as the movie. Some highlights of the movie include: The main guy lying on the grass making a "grass angel" or something, an old guy giving the main guy some sweet shirts, and also a part where the main guy gets yelled at by some lady after he sexes at her. Some of the people in the theater laughed at serious parts, probably because they're old. Oh well.

**/*****

Seven Psychopaths (2012)

All of this movie was good with no dumb parts. I don't think the two guys sitting behind me knew what was happening. Luckily for them, there was a lot of killing in it and I think they liked that part of it. My brother liked it also. I took a nap in my seat for the few minutes before the movie started and no one bothered me, so that was nice. 

*****/*****

Total Recall (2012)

I did not like this movie. It was boring and also dumb. They got rid of most of the cool stuff from the original and replaced it with stuff nobody cares about. A good test to see if a person is cool or not is to see how they liked this movie. If they liked it, push them into a well. Also, some guy picked the seat next to me in the assigned seats even though most of the theater was empty. What a weirdo. I sat a row in front of where I was supposed to so he wouldn't make a jacket out of my skin possibly. The popcorn was good. My brother did not come with me to this film.

*/*****